Aaron Funny Status Messages

   You're only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!

   I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

   I like to wear a parachute on airplanes and act smug during turbulence.

   Say what you want about drunk people, but at least they've had all their shots.

   On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?

   Saw this guy drowning so I threw him a life saver. His last words were, "what is this.. candy?"

   I'm the go to guy when it comes to going to a guy to find out what guy to go to.

   It's taken me awhile but I think I'm finally ready to accept that it's not butter

   Million Dollar Idea: A pot pie. Only bigger. And filled instead with fruit. Apples perhaps.

   Why is the media so negative? Instead of "Polar Bear Kills Alaskan Teen", why not "Alaskan Teen Feeds Starving Polar Bear"?

   I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet, but only for about 30 seconds.

   I don't wanna brag but that was the most perfectly executed 16 point turn of my life.

   My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.

   Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?

   Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

   This damn Mcdonald's never has a fully stocked condiment counter. This is the last straw!

   There was just a 5.8 earthquake in Washington. Obama wanted it to be 3.4, but the Republicans wanted 5.8, so he compromised.

   I call dibs on everything, ever. Sorry, it's out of my hands now. I'll be by to pick up all of your stuff later. Or MY stuff, rather.

   Warning: Warnings are so retarded. Like on this deodorant 'Avoid contact with eyes.' Too late, I've already seen it.

   I go to the liquor store and stock up for hurricanes almost every other weekend.