Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How I love #Monday. On a different subject. Have you ever met someone for the first time and wanted to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?

   Congrats to Alec Baldwin on securing a steady gig for the next 4 yrs.

   Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless your problem is obesity

   With great power comes a great Electricity bill

   When Thanksgiving is over, you have my permission to listen to Christmas music.

   You know your girlfriend is getting fat when she fits in your wifes clothes !

   Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today Should have cooked it on aloha temperature

   Yes .... Math is Illegal in Kentucky!! 5 People in Kentucky were arrested last night in the latest Math Lab Bust. .... Either that or they're just crappy at spelling.

   I wish I loved anything as much as Santa loves rich kids.

   My New Year’s resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent. 7. Learn to count.

   I think when Trump says Mexico will pay for that wall he doesn't mean the Government but El Chapo's seized 14bn assets from criminal forfeiture.

   NEVER EXPECT A WOMAN TO PLAY HER PART, IF YOU STILL HAVE OTHER WOMEN AUDITIONING FOR HER ROLE'

   My wife said she wanted to watch Naked and Afraid. So I got naked and she got afraid. FML.

   I bet the astronauts were bummed when they found out Tang was just something they drank in space...

   I will fight for my right to eat delicious things. A snacktivist if you will...

   I downloaded a song illegally in Jamaica. Now I'm a Pirate of the Caribbean.

   The downside of fame! I can't walk out of a nice restaurant without immediately being harassed and hounded by a waiter waving a bill?

   The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife began having sex with me again so she wouldn't have to buy batteries.

   "No, I just carry it around to look cool" was my reply after being asked "Do you play?" in regards to the guitar on my back.

   I don't usually get asked out by women, but when I do it's usually on the first of April.