Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

   Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can't use nicknames at work anymore

   Canada brought you Nickelback. Now you know why Canadians are sorry.

   The SPCA needs to open a bar. I know a ton of guys that bring home dogs from the bar.

   Someone just caught me picking my nose at a stop light. Had to just cut my losses and run the red light.

   All I'm saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don't we run more things on toilet power?

   Let's face it, Facebook is just a place for people seeking attention and tweeter is a place where they hope someone, anyone, will listen.

   A spelling bee sounds like a horrifying creature that bellows out words and then stings you when you get one wrong.

   If I wanted human interaction i'd take my headphones off during this date.

   Why is it the people who say they thrive on chaos seem to be the ones causing it?

   It took years for my wife to get me to put down the toilet seat. In retrospect, I really don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

   And then there was the cannibal who passed his neighbor in the woods.

   He floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee......Happy Birthday.....to the LEGENDARY Man Muhammad Ali

   I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin' spoon!"

   Double negatives are a no-no.

   If your full name was Elongated Musketeer then you would probably shorten it, too

   I always carry a flute with me in case I see deer or rabbits frolicking in a sunny meadow.

   Me: Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone. I hear you call my name and it feels like home. Priest: I don't believe that is an actual prayer... Me: No, but it's like a prayer.

   Common sense is like a deodorant.......The people who need it most never use it..

   If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?