Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Seriously Gas stations need to start having Happy Hours O Something of that sort

   We have a dog so my husband just installed an invisible fence ... I think

   A study says we only use 12% of our brain. Just think how intelligent we would be if we used the other 70%.

   I get paid to be nice to people at work. Why does everybody expect me to do it for free on my own time?

   When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".

   Those Blue Man Group guys need to find some women. I didn’t realize it could spread like that.

   People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

   Being awake is stupid, nothing good ever comes of it.

   I've been hard at work all day today. I accidentally took a viagra pill in stead of my vitamin this morning.

   My kids treat me like a god. They ignore my existence untill they need something.

   odd that R. Kelly has a 19 minutes song ... usually he doesnt likes it over 18 ...

   CEO: Sorry but we're closing the plant and moving to Mexico Me: *looks up from phone 3 months later* Where the hell is everybody?

   Don’t be silly. Those bodies were there when I bought the place.

   I don't have any Emmys but I Have 2 Grammys ....they're both dead

   ATTENTION!!! Heavy rain is on the forecast this week, please use permanent markers for your eyebrows.

   Consciousness is the nightmare before sleep.

   Yes I'll be leaving the jean jacket on during foreplay.

   Never underestimate the power of Stupid People in large groups.

   After all that has happened this year all we need now is Dallas Cowboys win Super Bowl!!!!

   Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?.. God: That's when you were dating that psycho. I wasn't sticking around for that.