Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I just opened the dryer door & a quarter fell out and rolled underneath it, so I guess I just opened myself a savings account.

   Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don't want to attract any attention.

   Well,,,, If you count watching Elmer Fudd singing "Kill The Wabbit," Then yes, I've been to the opera.

   anybody gonna mention the fact that the Mayans couldn't even predict the Spanish coming?

   And for all of you who are Telepathic...............

   Oh I'm sorry.. I didn't know it was "bring your feelings to work day".

   Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???

   Pro Tip ~~ Do not make popcorn in laundromat dryers.. It really affects the flavor.

   Sometimes I wish there was a rollover plan for naps I didn't take when I was a kid

   I use a remote control for my car stereo because,,,,, Well,, You know,,,,, Who would EVER want to lean forward a little bit?...

   I don't know alot about history,,, but I know Marco Polo was definitely the most annoying swimmer of all the famous explorers.

   After 31 free samples,, I decided I wasn't really in the mood for Baskin Robins

   It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

   I'm old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.

   Things that don't kill bees: 1: furnutire polish 2: Febreeze 3: butter 4: screeming

   I'm sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.

   You gotta go for personality, guys.... They'll ALL look like grandma someday,,

   I've said it before and I'll say it again: I've said it before and I'll say it again.

   I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet... what are the odds?

   If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.