Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Look, Twinkies, I'm with Little Debbie Cloud Cakes now,,, and I won't let you hurt me again.

   Fact: A 3 year old can hear a candy wrapper being opened from up to 300 miles away.

   Where did Noah keep his bees?... In the ark hives........ * Yes,, I'm showing myself out,, thanks

   Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.

   Pro Tip: Wear two eye patches,, so people know you're serious about being a pirate.

   If I had a dog,, I'd say "I have a bone to pick with you!" And then we'd go to PetSmart to pick a bone,, And we'd laugh & laugh & laugh,,,,,

   Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes far away, skeletons close, Spiders far away,,, And everything else just in a big pile

   Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....

   I love Chinese food as much as the next guy,,, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

   So far,,, I've spent 300% of this week exaggerating.

   "Be careful when you follow the Masses. Sometimes the 'M' is silent."

   I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

   Hey,,, People who drive old retired cop cars........ NOBODY likes you either.

   I can't wait for summer in Canada............. I hear it's gonna be on a Saturday this year

   When my grandkid loses his 1st tooth, I'm putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says "I'll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy"

   Wait?? The NSA's "Facial Recognition" software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending maching at work can't recognize a dollar with a bent corner?

   I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

   Any room is a panic room if you've had four cups of coffee and a breakfast burrito..

   If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary

   "Old Macdonald had a farm,,, Had."............ * Bank of America