Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!

   Welsh woman used to curse people by falling to their knees, pulling out their boobs, and screaming obscenities at their victim. It’s sad how we let some traditions die.

   Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep screwing me.

   Wonder if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe. Asking for a friend.

   Fun Fact: The majority of archeologist are women, due to their natural ability to dig up the past.

   Had a hen who could count her own eggs, she was a mathmachicken.

   You’ll repeat what you don’t repair.

   There is no cloud, it’s just someone else’s computer. 😐

   If you’re 50+ it’s time to leave them young girls alone and get yourself a woman that recognizes the signs of a stroke.

   Being sarcastic on a regular basis can add up to three years to your life.

   The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.

   Happiness ~ is a cabin on 800 acres, 3 lakes, two mountains and no neighbors.

   Facebook reaction emoji’s look a lot like a relationship from start to finish. Like, Love, Ha-Ha, Wow, Crying, Angry.

   If your voice held no power, they wouldn’t try to silence you.

   Her: You remind me of the sea. Him: Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting? Her: No, because you make me sick.

   Dating is a great way remind yourself that dying alone isn’t that bad.

   Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.

   The fact that people were hoarding toilet paper proves one thing. Humanity is full of crap.

   Sometimes I make posts set to “only me.” That stuff is between me and the Feds.

   Your call is very important to us, please hold while we disconnect your call. ~ AT&T