Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When she tries to pull your pants down on the first date.

   I attack ideas, I don’t attack people. Some very good people have some very bad ideas. If you can’t separate the two, I suggest you find another day job.

   That sweaty first kiss balled up on the couch, hand up her shirt, praying your parents don’t walk in on a Saturday night.

   You: Be noble, for you are made from the stars. Be humble, for you are made from the earth. Me: Where do you get your weed?

   This is not just a silly grin on my face, it’s a highly educated one.

   When I think of you I touch myself meaning I rub my temples because you give me a headache.

   Believe in yourself, especially when no one else will. ~ Sasquatch

   The ghosts from A Christmas Carol are the scariest, because they show you what people are saying about you behind your back.

   When you put 30 dollars in the tank and the gas light is still on.

   Mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hill areas.

   Some of you are going to keep trusting the system until your pronouns are was/were. 🙁

   Tonight’s Powerball Jackpot is up to a full tank of gas and a buggy load of groceries.

   doing strange things in the name of art.

   Day 712 without sex: went jogging in flip flops to remember the sound.

   One of us is right and the other one is you.

   Went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.

   I know it was months ago, but I still don’t like how you all acted over toilet paper.

   Kicking open the bathroom stall at work after eating 4 jalapeno cheddar taquitos from the Exon Mobil gas station on my lunch break.

   Need a conversation starter for your next cookout? Arrange the chicken pieces on the grill to look like a cat.

   16 Psyche is one of the most massive asteroids in the asteroid belt. It’s made of materials like gold, platinum and nickel. It’s value is estimated to be around 700 quintillion USD.