Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How about A memorandum of understanding instead of marriage vows.

   In my fantasy you show up wearing nothing but a tool belt and fix the ceiling fan

   I didn't give anything up for Lent. I just gave up.

   if I pay Netflix each month & choose to watch Star Trek, am I paying a DATA plan?

   Eating kale as a snack has several benefits, including no one will ever try to steal your snacks

   After just winning a four month battle with my oven clock it's dayligit saving time and back to the battle.

   The next gen iPhone has new Pay By View so you just look at what you want and pay, and sorry but I just bought your car.

   I’m wingin’ it so hard I might fly away.

   ndian housewives hold 11% of the world's gold — that's more than the reserves of the U.S, Germany, and Switzerland put together

   Sometimes I am busy tweeting and I stop and think, "did a jogger just bounce off my windshield?"

   Sometimes I sit down and wonder what kind of life i’d be living if my parents were really rich.

   Shout out to pizza and sunglasses for being the only thing left to be sold out of huts.

   I’ve never met a nap I didn’t like.

   My phone is on its 4th charge for the day. So don't talk to me about commitment.

   When it comes to self-absorption, you’re like a sponge.

   Introduce yourself with a famous last name on the first day of any new job. Go quiet when asked if you're related to a celebrity so they'll be nice to you.

   1) Scroll to the bottom of your Facebook page. 2) On the bottom left corner, click English: US. 3) When the language selection appears, click English: Pirate. 4) watch what happens.

   having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think ive remembered this before.

   Judge me all you want... just keep the verdict to yourself

   just created a facebook page for my right hand so I can tell the world I'm in a relationship with it