Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just curious, does the room spin in the opposite direction when you drink too much in South Africa?

   Thanks to me, you'll probably start seeing 'For Display Only' signs on the toilets at Home Depot.

   Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.

   No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ's face I don't think he's going to play them. Here come the police they'll help me

   Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave Popcorn manufacturers: you touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

   Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here. Me: Thank you. Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

   I’ll rise, but I won’t shine.

   Somebody needs to starts a dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.

   That strange moment when you're telling a story, and people think it's a joke.

   Be yourself! Everyone else is already taken.

   Planting some shrubs today and they're all leaning to one side, either I was drunk when I planted them or I planted them too close to the weed.

   The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.

   Tech support just asked my grandpa what kind of phone he has & he seriously said "kind of grayish"

   No. Skinny girls shouldn't be in charge of the office thermostat. You need a middle-aged woman with hot flashes named Brenda on the dial.

   Every time I watch cartoons I imagine how badly they must reek of B.O. because they're always wearing the same thing.

   doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on me: probably since the summer of 2008

   Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers caboose

   Happy National discriminates against “Cat” Day!

   Dating in your early 20’s: Show me your abs and buy me beer. Dating in your 40’s: Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

   Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.