Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   eharmony just matched me with a dozen donuts

   Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked.

   I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

   Look low in the northwest sky around 9:45 p.m for the next few days for the NEOWISE asteroid you won't want to miss as it will be a once-in-a-lifetime event!! just like the last several asteroids that flew by.

   Research has revealed a subatomic particle that may actually be shaped like a buffalo. It's been called the Higgs Bison.

   Builds elaborate structures while playing Fortnite. Can't make own bed in real life.

   Some people are like that annoying advert that suddenly cuts in the middle of a viral video.

   Loving and all these Christmas photos you're posting of your families who look as joyous and festive as the family who came with a picture frame I bought a while ago, who I also don't know.

   For sale: Slightly used Christmas tree. Can pick up in front of neighbors house.

   In this cold weather, it's hard to give people the finger when you're wearing mittens.

   I wish having a friend with benefits meant I had a friend who'd be willing to marry me so I wouldn't have to keep paying dearly for my own insurance.

   If any part of your life is "ultra", I don't have the energy to be friends with you...

   Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

   Pavlov’s hair wasn’t always silky. He had to condition it.

   Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

   At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

   I simply haven't seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.

   Im so good at procrastinating I always have something to look forward to!....

   To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

   It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home.