Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Steps to survive on a dessert island: 1. check spelling 2. if correct, enjoy

   Yes ... I suppose I am one of the few people that actually love Fruit Cakes!!! ....Heck .... I only need a few more ..... this year I hope to get enough to complete building my Brick wall!!

   Decided to put up a Christmas tree this year....wrestled with it a bit..finally got in in place... it smells like Christmas now.. and it looks real cool, hanging from my car's rear view mirror.

   What do I like most about people? Their dogs....

   Subpoena...Such a silly word. Sounds like a term used to describe a man who is below average downstairs.

   One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.

   Divorce: A legal document for married people to hate each other.

   I just want to suffocate, sorry I mean love you.

   If you don't like my Facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the biggest news of the day on his/her page is what she had for lunch

   If it behooves me, I don't want it.

   A 15 minute workout usually takes me 3 days.

   Ever since I was a kid I’ve had a fear of being scared.

   A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.

   Middle-aged is when your list of ailments outnumbers your age.

   Boss at meeting said it would nice if you employees would start showing me a little respect. One employee replied oh we show you as little respect as possible.

   When someone says "good luck with that" are they being nice or sarcastic?

   Of course I have countless friends. They’re called songs on my playlist. .

   I feel terrible, or, as I like to call it, "being alive."

   I can find your bathroom on my own but I'll ask you for directions anyway so you think I think you live in a mansion. I'm a giver.

   Not today, found a new serial killer documentary.