Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm smart but not "know when to stop eating" smart.

   *pulls out earbud* What? "We need to talk." *pulls out earbud* "You've been spending too much time at Chernobyl." *pulls out earbud* No way

   That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp and kill a cat.

   I can never remember if my best foot is supposed to go forward or in my mouth.

   friend: wyd? me: working friend: and wyd after? me: sleeping for work tomorrow

   Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

   HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY'RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

   *Maybe try dressing up as SpongeBob this Halloween, since you're so self absorbed.* -Me as a therapist

   Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out Wife: yes why Me: my boss fired me today

   Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don't have to share.

   A new study found that 1 percent of men buy gifts for their loved ones at gas stations on Christmas Day. Nothing shows Christmas warmth like a nice bottle of top-shelf anti-freeze.

   Sometimes it's best to keep things between you and your neighbors. Like a stockade fence.

   When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend then as an adult I had thousands of them, until I deleted my Facebook account.

   "Sorry about your dress." "Sorry about the nudity." "Sorry I kept calling your wife sir." - Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

   The glove snap before the prostate exam isn't necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

   Going out with an Ex is like reading a book you already know how it's going to end.

   If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

   Sometimes I like to wake up super early, eat a good breakfast and read some of my friends inspirational Facebook posts to help start the day off right before going back to bed.

   Judging by the way I just reacted to not being able to find the TV remote, I’m not the type of person you’d want around in a crisis

   Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?