Funny Status Messages

   Q:Do yo want to know how to tell if you're listening to a Jason Derulo song? A: He will tell you in the first 19 seconds.

   One of the best feelings ever: Waking up and seeing you still have a couple more hours to sleep.

   [at an orgy] I'm starting to think that I'm the only one taking this book club seriously

   My wife thinks I'm too nosey.....at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   "I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."

   I've been building my son's trust for two yrs with high-fives. Today I'm going to hit him with a "too slow". Welcome to the real world, son.

   My last loving relationship involved a spare electrical outlet at an airport departure gate.

   I just put on a fitted sheet on my bed and didn't mess up. I'm entitled to a trophy

   Pro Tip: A box of donuts placed on top of the mailbox will keep the police from breaking up your party.

   The guys from Insane Clown Posse originally started rapping while working their way through clown community college.

   "I know a good divorce lawyer" is definitely a wrong thing to say at any wedding. Hmmm now I know.

   99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

   I'm starting to find apostrophes a bit possessive.

   Now that Millennials are getting older, it's only a matter of time before we have memojis.

   You're in my thoughts and prayers I reserve for winning the lottery.

   I save all my yawns in church until everyone is singing so it looks like I'm doing my part.

   Please remember if their online dating profile photo is iffy that's the best one out of all the photos ever taken of them.

   My puppy is afraid of shirts, ice cream trucks, blankets that vaguely take human shape, and boxes, but has no problem with fireworks.

   The "Map My Run" Facebook posts are a great way to track how far you went to brag about exercise or show your exercise running from the police.

   I’ve been reading a book called ‘1,000 sexual positions’. I’ve reached position 176 and apparently from now on I’m going to need a woman.