Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not so much that I love karate as that I hate wooden - planks!

   You know when Fall season has shown up. Crappy door wreaths everywhere.

   Would it be legal to have a VERY loud duck-call in place of the more conventional car-horn..if it was operated in the same way?

   I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

   So many people are obsessed with vampires these days. Who needs vampires when a mortgage and a job are enough to suck the life out of you?

   To 16:58 commet, you're right. Teacher: "How much is a gram?" Tyronne: "It denpends on what you want."

   I love Halloween. You get free candy without having to get into anyone's van.

   If I see 1 more person texting and driving,I'm rolling down my window and throwing my bong at them..

   My ego persuades me to be a lot more confident than I should be.

   Five bucks says I'm totally broke.

   "No food or beverage." I'm guessing the only rule ignored more than that one is the speed limit.

   you move on because theres nothing else you can do

   Set a goal so big that if you achieved it, it would blow your mind

   I married my wife for her looks.But not the ones she's been giving me lately!

   I would get inappropriately angry when a contestant could not get a full spin on the big wheel on The Price Is Right. They should have been immediately ejectied from the show instead of being able to try again. It's not kindergarten.

   Yeah, I thought I loved you too... but then I realized I just needed to fart.

   The most useless advice in the world: "CHILL OUT"

   UK Secret Intelligence Service (aka MI6). They have their own website with the usual "About Us", "Our Strategy", Our Values" etc... Sorry, but am I missing something here? :-s

   There's something unavoidably attractive about you

   It always get awkward when you're on the elevator with a stranger. Especially after you hug him and tell him you're very lonely.