Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife could work for CSI the way she can spot one of my hairs on the sink after I shave.

   I’ve hugged my mother-in-law with more warmth than those female gymnasts at the Olympics.

   Being a woman is exciting because we don't know what mood we will be in next or for how long.

   I'm at the age where an all-nighter takes place over 2 nights.

   Milk chocolate and dark chocolate is the difference between happy and sad.

   I can't imagine anyone let alone the B-52's walked outta the Love Shack STD free.

   Always hoped to be unwed and financially unstable in my 30s and here I am, killing it.

   Once you're 40, friendships fade; lives move on. Which is good, because you need all that new free time to stare at your neck in the mirror.

   "Day drinking"? Listen, kids, when I was young it wasn't called that. We used its full name: "Jesus, Phyllis, it's not even noon."

   Two mice at Petco were fighting to run on the same poop-covered wheel, which is a decent analogy for trying to meet your soulmate in a bar.

   I refuse to tell cashiers how my day is.....

   I'm going to eat a chocolate bar today in memory of Gene Wilder. And tomorrow. And the next day. I actually have been doing this for weeks.

   All I'm say'n, Is in the past thirty years, the baby to dingo ratio has gotten severely out of hand.

   Pokemon Go is coming to the new Apple Watch, which should double the speed at which I no longer care about either.

   Nordstrom is a Swedish word that means “1 for the price of 2.”

   So I guess Wells Fargo bank is hiring in case you need a job and don't hate your life enough already.

   Visited a horse farm for the first time in my life yesterday and asked if the place the horses stay is called a neigh-borhood. I need to get out more.

   Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $8.13 in change.

   Things I like about Autumn is slipping on a leaf that was hiding a piece of dog poop beneath it. Love that!!!

   My favorite thing about restroom graffiti is knowing the gangbanger had a sparkly marker in his pocket.