Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

   I dropped the keys to my jeep between the seat then accidentally locked my hair in the car door if you’re looking for a sophisticated woman with style and grace.

   There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

   Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

   Did I miss the Grammys again! Darn that makes like 15 years in a row.

   It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

   You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

   I learned something today – dibs is not the appropriate response when your friend announces his divorce

   From now on if a stranger on the bus asks if I want to taste their fingers, I’m saying no. Lesson learned.

   I quit my job as a treadmill tester. I just felt like I wasn’t going anywhere.

   Direct deposit: $1400 Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

   Your fridge uses up more power when it’s empty. Basically it’s expensive to be poor.

   I was shopping , thought cashier would ask if I wanted the receipt or not .I was prepared .She told me to have a nice day I said no thanks 😕

   Male pattern baldness is God’s way of saying grown men shouldn’t have bangs.

   She said "My love life is complicated." I said "No, nuclear physics is complicated. You're just a slut."

   What we have here is a failure to want to communicate.

   You wake up from a coma only to realize everyone you love has abandoned you because they went through your phone while you were out.

   My wife's nagging started right on cue. "Stand up straight..... Don't sluch..... Look at me when I'm talking to you." I don't know why I keep rewatching our wedding tape.

   I can stop seeing my therapist now and just spend more time at Target reading the advice on the throw pillows

   Having your favorite band come and visit you in the hospital is a good indication that you are going to die.