Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Check out the hypocrisy in the post below. Whines about no humorous posts, but doesn't come up with a humorous way to do it.

   Lysol commercial says apply to things I touch most. I have a feeling this is going to burn

   panicked at the grocery store and came home with a pineapple

   Weird, thousands of people working from home getting paychecks and not a single one has called in sick all week.

   Gotta say that the class of 2020 outdid themselves with Senior Skip Day this year.

   Oh not seeing enough tests?? I thought people were saying they aren't seeing enough breasts. Either way, I agree.

   I've been single for so long someone asked me who I was with. I said AT&T.

   Dear Tummy, do I have tell you separately.its a lockdown. Stay in

   I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

   Grandad: ‘I’ve just bought a new, state-of-the-art hearing aid.’ Me: ‘Great. What type is it?’ Grandad: ‘Half past three.’

   I'm at Walmart. I'm not buying anything, I just needed a reminder that there are bigger disasters than me.

   Some of y'all need to be worried about that 420 credit score

   I can't believe it's already 5 o clock and almost time to get moving from the couch to the refrigerator.

   In a world full of coronavirus I wanna be your sanitizer

   With this quarantine order, I now understand why my indoor cat tries to run out the back door when it is opened.

   If you are throwing a football, a baseball or kicking a soccer ball in a park, you need to be more than six feet apart. If you aren't, you're in big trouble because you really suck at your sport.

   Coworker: Good morning! Me: I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

   That moment when you're tired and sleepy, and you drag yourself to bed but then your brain says, "Ha ha, just kidding!" I hate that.

   [on Shark Tank] me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

   "Did it hurt...when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?"--bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person