Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

   Went to the fifth largest city in France for vacation. It was Nice.

   Does any one want 200 broken triple A batteries? There's no charge.

   I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

   A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

   The first rule of passive aggressive club is, y'know what, never mind, it's fine...

   If I’m looking for discount clock parts, should I go to a second hand store?

   I don't knead your dough, but my bread machine does.

   Scrabble would be more fun if it were full contact, like hockey. But then someone might lose an "I".

   I don't like it when Godzilla fights the other monsters. I'd rather see them settle their differences on the dance floor.

   Dam, girl. What did you think I was building? - Beaver

   I decided not to host the Oscars this year and see they couldn't find anyone to replace me.

   When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

   My anger management class pisses me off

   Being an adult is pretty easy. You just feel tired all the time & tell people about how tired you are & they tell you how tired they are.

   "Get a parrot," they said. "It'll be fun," they said. "Get a parrot," the parrot said. "It'll be fun," the parrot said.

   I've been trying out the rum diet this week, I've lost 2 days already.

   Somewhere in the world Howie Mandel is walking around with full body Hazmat Suit.

   2020 must-have downloaded something from Limewire!!!

   I’ve been checking my temperature periodically every day. Did you know that it’s not necessary to do it rectally? Wish someone would’ve told me sooner!