Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once told a girl we should take a "sea otter break" so we can sea otter people. Now she's dating a guy that can actually write a decent pun.

   In my next Life I am coming back with money and looks instead of this sparkling personality crap ....

   Trying to eat healthy, too lazy to make a smoothie, so just ate the ingredients one by one. Probably shouldn't have washed it down with whiskey.

   To make room for the McDonald's expansion in their stores all Walmarts are removing the 15 registers that are never open.

   Urinating on a jelly fish sting helps the pain. Urinating on a bee sting just makes your neighbor angry.

   It’s bad enough when the little voices in my head talk to me. But now they are texting.

   ..... LOVE comes Naturally ........ HATE .... is learned .....

   We didn't have child safety seats when I was young. My Dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

   Pokemon Go mesmerizing people into going outside is like the plot to a Steven King novel.

   Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt, people write on walls and worship cats.

   A birth certificate is basically a baby receipt.

   I keep a glass of water on the nightstand in case I want to get up in the middle of the night and spill something.

   As you Mature... you learn that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them, hope they panic and give in.

   If I was a ghost, I'd write "Happy Birthday" in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it's still your birthday.

   .... If the wrong toy is inside of it .... Is it still called a Happy Meal?

   Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

   When I was your age my Dad got you lost, not Siri.

   Relationships are easier if one of you is a cake.

   If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

   I don't want to live in a world where HBO forces Sesame Street to cut Bob, Gordon and Luis but renews Ballers indefinitely.