Funny Status Messages
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Thanks for the sex, but I'm still not going to 'LIKE' your Facebook pic. 
Seeing your kid at work today really put all your other mistakes into perspective.
The hashtag is defintley the most important technological advancement to have been ruined by 13 year old girls.
PLOT TWIST: You snooze.... You win! Because naps are freaking awesome.
I'd better go, this work isn't going to pretend to do itself.
I'm funnier online than in person, and funnier in print than online, but I'm at my funniest when you have no interaction with me at all.
Anyone know where I can get a medic alert bracelet for "does not make small talk?"
Are you having a mental relationship with a celebrity who doesn't even know you exist?
A blue whale's fart bubbles are large enough to enclose a horse. Yeah...think about that for a moment.
Just found my coffee in the microwave for the 7th time today.
Inspirational Quote For Today: Drink some coffee, put on some gangster rap and handle it.
Welcome to the first meeting of OCD Anonymous. We'll get started as soon as you STOP TURNING THE LIGHTS ON AND OFF, SUSAN!!
A relationship is like a house. When a lightbulb burns out you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the lightbulb.
Five Things I Like Almost As Much As Driving My Boat: 1. Looking at my boat. 2. Talking about my boat. 3. Movies and TV shows with boats. 4. Websites with boats. 5. Bacon.
Pizza deserves the same rights as burgers....
Ya'll been dating for three days and you're already saying "I love you" = But that's none of my business.
The human brain is freaking amazing. It functions 24/7 from when we were born & only stops when you take a test or talk to someone attractive.
I truly believe that if we'd met at a different place, at a different time, under different circumstances....You'd still be an a$$hole!
I know they didn't ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
Wow, I've been on the No Sugar Diet for one day and have already lost ... my will to live. 