Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Firtst World Problems in 2016: I want to start my meal, but can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat.

   I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.

   The letter "S" in PMS stands for Satan... I'm pretty sure of this.

   If I have 10 pieces of bacon and you take 5, what do you have? That's right! A black eye and a broken hand...

   Sometimes people want to have full conversations in the morning, and it's ok to kill those people.

   Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered...."Who ties your shoelaces for you?"

   Before smartphones I remembered phone numbers. Like lots. Of all my friends and family. Was I Rain Man?

   Does every day have to be a National this or that day? Every little thing doesn't need its own damn day.

   Mexico. I need to decide what outfit best says: "My family won't pay the ransom."

   Don't walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

   There are successful cliff divers.... and there's stuff on a rock.

   Have yet to find one person who has actually been entertained by Cedric

   That surprising moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one has made any sandwiches.

   Payday isn't until next week so if you need me I'll be over here eating a bowl of ramen noodles boiled in tears.

   Accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles last night. My next poop could spell trouble.

   My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

   Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do....

   Hello. You have reached the incontinence hotline. Please, hold...

   I just assume I do everything wrong since I don't have a wife to confirm it.

   Not to brag but I finished up my 30 day diet plan in just 4 days.