Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before smartphones I remembered phone numbers. Like lots. Of all my friends and family. Was I Rain Man?

   Does every day have to be a National this or that day? Every little thing doesn't need its own damn day.

   Mexico. I need to decide what outfit best says: "My family won't pay the ransom."

   Don't walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

   There are successful cliff divers.... and there's stuff on a rock.

   Have yet to find one person who has actually been entertained by Cedric

   That surprising moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one has made any sandwiches.

   Payday isn't until next week so if you need me I'll be over here eating a bowl of ramen noodles boiled in tears.

   Accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles last night. My next poop could spell trouble.

   My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

   Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do....

   Hello. You have reached the incontinence hotline. Please, hold...

   I just assume I do everything wrong since I don't have a wife to confirm it.

   Not to brag but I finished up my 30 day diet plan in just 4 days.

   I don't think America should elect any President in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.

   Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.

   I'm glad I live in Kentucky now. Cause when the Gov shuts down the liquor stores will still be open

   Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I bothknow I don't make enough money to have a drugproblem

   It's all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it's voodoo dolls and arson reports.

   I'd get a life, but it might get in the way of me reaching my potential on the internet.