Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having too many friends on facebook is like operating a junk infected e-mail account

   The two best days of school are the first and the last.

   I've spent a small fortune on dog toys and the he's outside chewing on a cardboard box.

   Friends: Just because I ask you to go somewhere or do something doesn't mean I'm offering to pay your share of it.

   Mothers of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young

   whenever I see a guy that looks better then me, I immediately get intimadated that he's gonna take all the girls from me, but later I find out there not into girls. so, it all works out."

   DAMN! Its a preview of Hell outside today!!!

   wondering if I'll ever be mature enough to stop laughing at the word "duty".

   Thanks to Facebook, I no longer check breaking news, celebrity obituaries or wonder what the current weather is like.

   The WHO has declared the flu pandemic officially over. It's good news but I'm not sure I trust Roger Daltry.

   Have you heard about that online origami store? It folded.

   Tip for the day: Don't throw manure into the wind.

   's 3 year old daughter has shown herself to be a real woman. She has no interest in baseball and had no interest in Daddie until baseball came on.

   What did all these desperate people do to get laid before the internet?

   My childhood self would be surprised I'm not playing with knives and fireworks, just because I can

   busy swimming in the deep end of the pool so not to drown in the shallowness of the world.

   If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "sh**" and "syphilis

   I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.

   Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits.

   You can get more things accomplished with a kind word and a gun, then just a kind word alone, "Al Copone"