Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can memorize twenty song lyrics before I can memorize one answer to a question on a test -_-

   Oh I'm sorry, did you say something? I tend to go deaf when I'm in the presence of bullsh!t.

   I will start watching Big Brother when they let Amanda Knox move in.

   What kind of jerk would put a cat in a bag? I'm just so relieved it's out.

   Science Schmience. I think they've got it backwards. Birds don't fly south for the winter, they fly north for the summer. Nyah!

   Watching Nat geographic channel all day, I now know how not to smuggle drugs across our border and how to Breakout of jail if I'm locked up abroad.

   I think things did not work out between us because we both loved the same person; I loved you and you loved yourself.

   Having too many friends on facebook is like operating a junk infected e-mail account

   The two best days of school are the first and the last.

   I've spent a small fortune on dog toys and the he's outside chewing on a cardboard box.

   Friends: Just because I ask you to go somewhere or do something doesn't mean I'm offering to pay your share of it.

   Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits.

   You can get more things accomplished with a kind word and a gun, then just a kind word alone, "Al Copone"

   knows that her house wont clean itself, but thinks that it really should make the effort!!!

   Tip for the day: Don't throw manure into the wind.

   's 3 year old daughter has shown herself to be a real woman. She has no interest in baseball and had no interest in Daddie until baseball came on.

   What did all these desperate people do to get laid before the internet?

   My childhood self would be surprised I'm not playing with knives and fireworks, just because I can

   busy swimming in the deep end of the pool so not to drown in the shallowness of the world.

   If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "sh**" and "syphilis