Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   What are three words a man doesn't want to hear during sex? "Honey i'm home!"

   NASCAR Driver Education: "Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Repeat."

   It's been scientifically proven that chocolate contains a shrinking ingredient. It shrinks your clothing!

   When I was little, we used to play a game called "knock and run" where you knock on someone's door and run away before they answered. Nowadays, it's known as "Parcelforce"

   I've got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. All he does is eat, drink and be Mary.

   George Washington is the only president who didn't blame the previous administration for his troubles

   It's Groundhog Day. But enough about the school menu.

   ..wonders why is there a man in the bottom corner of her TV playing charades?

   A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

   Only Picasso would have said I look lovely this morning.

   Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving..

   Now that the well is capped, legal experts say criminal charges are likely to be filed over the Gulf oil spill. This means a BP executive could wind up in jail. Prison can be rough so I've got three words of advice: British. Petroleum. Jelly.

   If they took all porn from the internet,all that would remain is a Facebook group called " Bring the Porn Back!"

   "My wife had her driving test today. She got 8 out of 10. The other two guys jumped clear." Rodney Dangerfield.

   Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music from the internet.

   I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But, if the white runs out, I'll drink the red

   When the Chinese teach their babies to eat with chopsticks,do they start them off with toothpicks?

   When I see someone using a payphone I always think they're arranging the ransom drop off.

   Spent the whole day checking items off my task list. In retrospect, I probably should have used that time to complete tasks

   Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance . Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair . Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage . Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy