Huck Funny Status Messages

   I just told someone that I have to pee pee. It's hard toggling back and forth between being a parent and being a dude.

   Stevie Wonder just filed for divorce. He wanted to not see other people.

   The jerk store called. *removes hat* I'm afraid there's been an accident.

   How to avoid getting the short end of the stick? Just stop sharing sticks! There are enough sticks out there that you can have your own.

   My sister is going to a theme park tomorrow. I told her to have fun. Frightening to think what could've happened had I not shared that tip

   Really, Fresh Prince's mother? One little fight and you ship him across the continent? You won't get a "#1 Mom" mug from me, I assure you.

   The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You're failing now. You're not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

   People are so excited about the 100m Olympic times, but Jason Voorhees could beat all those clowns just walking.

   When a pizza guy comes to my door I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him with an empty pizza box then insist that he called me

   Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make introductions

   Fact: Dogs don't like when you pet their fur in the wrong direction because it exposes the tribal tattoos they got in college

   In Oregon a Labradoodle was unharmed after falling off a 200 ft cliff. Some suspect that he actually jumped because of the name "Labradoodle".

   Supreme Court rules Arizona police may not stop people they believe are illegal immigrants, but must stop Juggalos.

   I'm starting to think Chris Brown is in Fight Club

   I'm a card carrying member of Card Carriers. I'd show you my card but my hands are full of cards.

   Accidentally spilled tear gas, and then realized there's no point in crying over it.

   The majority of my childhood was spent naming one of my settlers in Oregon Trail after an enemy then doing all I could to help them die of dysentery

   What I like about you: the way you hold me tight, you know how to dance, you come over at night. Everything else about you repulses me.

   I got recognized once. It was at my friend's house. He was all, "Hey, you really should call first." So cool.

   I'm a revengetarian. Yeah, strictly vengeance-based diet. It's a lot of waiting around for livestock to be jerks to me