Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The mystery of the exotic truck nuts.

   The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have now started asking humans to prove they are not a robot.

   Asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

   I need to get my life together but I’m kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end before I put any real effort into it.

   When you send a risky text and see (….) for ten minutes.

   I should be ashamed of my behavior, but to be clear, I am not.

   If you ground up everyone in the world, it would create a meatball the size of Central Park.

   Her: You’re so childish, I’m leaving you. Him: Good luck with that, the floor is lava.

   If we had just let them eat Tide Pods, none of this dumb stuff would be happening right now.

   Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? (flashback to me chasing a racoon after she told me to leave it alone) Me: I’m having an affair.

   A burglar broke into my home last night. I put the red dot on his chest and the cat did the rest.

   Tinder is for rookies. Go to Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. This will show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size.

   Tesla kicked out of S&P 500’s ESG Index, never saw that coming.

   Deleting history has become more important than making it.

   A man is buying an apple a banana and two eggs. The cashier says, “you must be single.” The man says, “wow, that’s right, how did you know?” The cashier says, “because you’re ugly.”

   Sign at the ten-minute oil change ~ “We won’t fart in your car.”

   My mortgage identifies as a student loan.

   Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? A. One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

   Q: What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? A: Outlaws are wanted.

   If you don’t have time to pull over and fight, don’t honk your horn at me.