thejoke.cafe Funny Status Messages

   Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?

   Next time a woman tries to defend her insane weight gain with, “Well, I’ve had two children.” Reply with, what? for Breakfast?”

   Women are natural born artists …….. From drawing eyebrows to drawing conclusions .

   Hillary and Trump are in a boat and it sinks. Who survives? I'd say Hillary. According to Bill, she never goes down.

   ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK

   After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear today.

   I work as a waiter. The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table.

   For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I’m being stalked

   My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall. And I plan on sticking to it.

   I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

   My wife wanted to try something different in bed last night. So we had sex.

   My girlfriend dumped me last week right after I broke my wrist. Just when I needed her the most.

   If a woman says she’s wrong, is she still wrong?

   Waitress: ‘Do you have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘Yes. What kind of font is this?’

   I can’t walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.

   My New Year’s resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent. 7. Learn to count.

   Congratulations to Marijuana for winning more states than Hillary .

   Sex with someone that doesn’t want to is rape. I thought that was marriage?

   I just got offered a great deal from Vodafone. A new Samsung phone and a free fire extinguisher.

   I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.