matt Funny Status Messages

   How the hell did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?

   I'm never eating a edible again. I watched an entire movie on mute and started crying because I thought I was deaf.

   in heat. Blame spring and short skirts... time to spray and pray.

   Powered off the smart phone felt like I was having a heart attack...

   knows the last digit of PI.

   Calories? I think you mean delicious points!

   Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff some guys pay money for in later life.

   I don't hear any cicadas. I believe everyone is eating them all...

   If tomatoes are considered fruits, isn’t ketchup a smoothie?

   If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don't open it. It's spam.

   On the internet, you have a better chance of surviving The Oregon Trail than a trip to WebMD!

   When men don't shave for a while it's rugged and masculine. When women don't shave for a while it's rugged and masculine

   Some of you can count the number of times you lit off fireworks on one hand and after this week some of you will only be able to count the number of times you lit off fireworks on one hand.