markf Funny Status Messages

   One of the great things about having kids is that you can check your pulse using the veins on the side of your head

   relieved to see Facebook finally expanded the Religion choice to include Amish, for all those Amish people out there with computers.

   glad to hear that SeaWorld is reopening its "safer" shows this week featuring Norman, the Involuntary Manslaughter Whale.

   wondering why people with bad breath are always wanting to tell me a secret.

   thinking that now the Government of Egypt has banned all internet traffic, do we just call it Gypt?

   just had a work email from someone asking to "bare with me" until the system is back up. I replied that I didn't see how nudity would fix the problem.

   Maybe they could add a little pop-up saying "Are you sure? This action cannot be undone" before sending an important message like NUCLEAR MISSILE ALERT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE

   looking at the "voluntary" tax contribution box on his 1040 form and wondering what planet those IRS guys are from.

   realizes he is too apologetic sometimes. Sorry.

   I have learned to protect myself against identity theft by keeping a low credit score and no money.

   wondering why someone would put down their needle anywhere near a haystack.

   If I live to be 100, I will just make up a reason when people ask how. "I eat acorns every day."

   How do dragons blow out candles on their birthday cake?

   saw a man get out of his convertible at Wal-Mart yesterday, take two steps and then turn back to lock the doors. I chuckled because the top was down.

   thinking that Venti must be the Italian word for "you just paid an insane amount of money for a cup of coffee."

   thinks Toyota should change its motto from "Moving Forward" to "MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!"

   sure now that after Mark Zuckerberg (founder of Facebook) was just announced as the youngest billionaire on Forbe's list, his mom doesn't tell him he's spending too much time on Facebook.

   passed a door in the stairwell with the sign: "Door is Alarmed." I told it to relax, everything is going to be okay.

   would like to see a more man-friendly mall for next Christmas. It needs to have a Home Depot, AutoZone, Bass Pro Shop, Lowe's, Sears, Gander Mtn, Pep Boys, a Longhorn Steakhouse and ESPN radio playing over the christmas tunes.

   can't figure out why the Toyota Prius owners would be worried about brakes, since the car can't go fast enough to hurt anything anyway.