hiyourjon Funny Status Messages

   TO THE GOVERNMENT AGENTS WHO'VE BEEN ILLEGALLY MONITORING OUR TEXTS, ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS THIS: Was that message I sent Ashley too forward?

   I'm proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don't want to hang out with you now... but I'm still very proud...

   Pumped for the series finale of the U.S. government!

   How to tie the strongest knot ever? Step 1: Put your headphones in your pocket. Step 2: Wait 1 minute.

   Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Starbucks: 47 pictures.

   When one door closes, another one opens. Then you're inside Walmart.

   "No thanks, I'm vegetarian" is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.

   THEY'RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU'RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU'RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

   If I was The Bachelor we'd all play Mario Kart for 8 weeks, then I'd pick the one with the biggest boobs

   Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.

   A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.

   Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I'd say I'm about 74% Rice Krispies.

   I'm sorry, but since when did an unmarried minority couple naming their baby something stupid become news?

   Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

   Justin Bieber wants to take Paul Walkers place in the new Fast and Furious film. Why doesn't he take his place in the car accident instead?

   My doctor said I should eat more Taco Bell. He actually said "Less McDonald's", but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant.

   very sad that fathers only get one day but sharks get a whole week

   Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious

   I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts "Batman" when he's drunk. I know I do.

   at this point in our culture I'm very surprised there aren't people with nut allergies boycotting the peanuts movie