Vito Funny Status Messages

   I'm addicted to cold turkey and I don't know how to quit it.

   I just accidentally dropped a bowling ball on my bed and my wine glass fell over. I wish I had Tempur-pedic bed

   I wonder if the The Pillsbury Doughboy gets pissed if you poke him on Facebook?

   I'm in the mood for Sushi but the Japanese place near me doesn't take credit cards. I'm gunna have raw toast instead.

   This is today 8====> and this is me (_!_)

   I want to get a Henna tattoo that says "Forever"

   I think I need to start doing pullups to get more of the ladies attention. Pull up in a Benz, Pull up in a Vette, Pull up in a Beamer....

   I cut myself shaving this morning. Now I'm walking with a limp.

   Yo Mama is so fat! She uses an iPad as an iPhone.

   I just saw a Rabbi and a Priest walk into a bar together. I have a feeling something funny is about to happen

   Walked by A Maternity Clothes Store today and there was a "Please Come Inside" sign on the door. Duh, Why do you think they need Maternity Clothes

   Drinking Heinekin Light and Eating Fat Free Doritos. Gotta get ready for beach season!

   I caught myself updating my Facebook status in my sleep & I think I actually would've posted it if the rumble strips on the highway didn't wake me up first.

   Every day is Fat Tuesday for me because I'm Fat =(

   I just realized I make the same noises when I eat pizza that I do during my "happy time"

   I just bumped into a guy wearing a camouflage jacket. I really didn't see him.

   I just told a lie and now my pants feel warm. I hope they dont catch fire!

   What's the right age to tell a highway he was adopted? Wont be long til he realizes he doesn't look anything like me