Unknown comic Funny Status Messages

   I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about

   I'm starting to think Trump vs Hillary is because someone went back in time and stepped on a butterfly, and know where living in a future that was never meant to be

   Fun party hosting tip: Put dozens of extra coats on the bed. When guests ask where everyone else is, laugh maniacally & change the subject.

   Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

   Every time I read an inspirational tweet, I'm genuinely saddened when I get to the end and there's no punchline.

   "For birthdays, someone will blow air and spit on candles and a cake. Then—hear me out—people will eat it." -- the guy that invented birthday parties

   Not enough dishes to fill up dishwasher. Had to wash three cups and a fork by hand. This must be what it felt like to live in the old west

   Took a quiz "Which Sex and the City character are you?" Turns out I'm the bus driver who splashes Carrie in the opening credits.

   Woke up this morning with a song in my heart. Sadly, that song was "I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas".

   As a kid my Mom would remind me that you can get killed crossing the street. At some point it sounded like a suggestion.

   FACT: I've been rescheduling the same dentist appointment since 2009

   Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   I shot out of bed last night with the awful realization that Charlie Tuna was a tunafish that loved the idea of people eating tunafish

   Every musical should have a minor character that's aware of all the music and dancing and is visibly terrified.

   .What's your dog's handkerchief for? Is he robbing a stagecoach later?

   Being a baby seems fun. I mean aside from not being able to lift the weight of your own head. But the eating every 1-2 hours. That seems fun

   Day one of my waffle cleanse

   If I was a ghost, I'd write "Happy Birthday" in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it's still your birthday.

   Science: About 71% of the Earth's surface is covered by water Parents: The rest is covered by Pokémon cards, Legos, and something sticky

   The heaviest things in the world: 4) iron 3) lead 2) tungsten 1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up