StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   My roommate is on a date and said he's convinced she's coming home with him tonight. I've covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.

   Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman's mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. Time.

   I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.

   My son asked me what's it like being married. I said "You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert? Like that".

   No matter how loud you crank the bass, it's still a minivan.

   They should invent an alarm clock that if you hit the snooze button more than 3 times it automatically calls in sick for you.

   Nothing says "I've already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.

   If cinderella's shoe really did fit perfectly, then why exactly did it fall off in the first place?

   Every scary movie, for the rest of our lives, needs a scene explaining why no one has their cell phone.

   Meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Wednesday because this is bulls**t."

   Pepsi and Coke can't even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

   It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

   A prostitute just told me she would do anything for $10... guess who just got their car washed!

   If you come up to my bedroom door and there is a sock on the door handle it means I'm having sex..... Probably with the other sock.

   My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'f*ck.' What the make love is she talking about?

   I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

   Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who's giving them medical attention?

   Our neighbor's dog shat in our garden, so my mom told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog sh*t in our garden and the neighbors have our shovel.

   I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that's good.

   Jersey Shore just got cancelled. Clearly an act of God. Your move, atheists.