ME Funny Status Messages

   I got an enema in honor of National Punctuation Day. I now have a perfect colon.

   I hate when the guy seated next to me on the plane falls asleep and his azz starts to snore.

   My best friend in Florida won the power 540 million power ball....Okay, I haven't actually met him yet but I am sure we will be the best friends forever.

   Sometimes my LOL just means, Lack-Of-Laughter

   After this pandemic is over, I don't want to see any more memes claiming that you could live in a cabin alone for a full year for a million dollars. You literally couldn't stay in your house for 5 days to save your grandmother, soooo......

   Why get stuck with the whole pig just for a little sausage?

   I told my wife .. if she ever wanted to try anal sex, I'd be behind her all the way

   Gorilla Lives Matter

   People think I'm quiet because I'm shy, but really I've been silently judging them from afar and determining that they're all phucking retards

   How am I suppose to know that you're happy and you know it if you don't clap your hands?

   Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by a$$holes!

   California is suspending executions due to lethal drug shortage. Someone should talk to Texas. I bet they're storing their surplus in caves.

   Long Island ice tea proves that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

   Condoms are like newspapers....sure they are filled with good stuff today but you sure don't want them around tomorrow...

   Probably the worst thing to hear when wearing that new bikini is, "Good for you".

   Bad things happen when you try to multitask with a single task brain.

   told my girlfriend .. "if you ever want to try anal sex, I'll be behind you all the way"!!

   I've finally figured out why they're called 'payslips'.... the 'pay' just 'slips' right through your fingers!!! :(

   I just invented a new candy called Mike and Ike and Tina. When you eat 'em, your front teeth fall out

   boys are like slinkies...useless but fun to watch fall down stairs