JEBI Funny Status Messages

   "Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...

   Pretty sure the guy who named them "walkie talkies" got fired before he could name other military equipment...

   What is the difference between a Snickers and Justin Bieber? The Snickers has nuts....ZING...

   Being honest may not get you alot of friends but it does get you the right ones...

   If you watch Friday the 13th backwards, Jason's machete is a magic wand that brings kids back to life and sends them to summer camp...

   Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I'm stalking you" was much funnier in my head.

   If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar...

   I can't help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt...

   A smile is way better than a duck face...

   I always hold the door open for women… even if they don't want to get into my van…

   I have a USB drive on my keys so that if I'm ever dying in public I can hand it to a stranger and shout "Get this to the President before.."

   My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes...

   China's "one-child per family" policy is being ended -- because not enough babies. Apparently it's so bad over there that some factories are actually hiring adults...

   Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year...

   I'm going on a vodka diet. Apparently you can lose 3 days in one week...

   When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say "the baby is crowning!" And they'll laugh and laugh...

   Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn't going according to plan...

   If my life had a soundtrack it would be the sound of a rusty gate slowly closing and then falling off its hinges onto a bunch of ugly cats...

   Props to our cat for getting excited about eating the same food EVERYDAY!

   Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again...