Huck Funny Status Messages

   When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

   Someone's gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves

   1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench. 2. Place an envelope beside him. 3. Whisper, "It has to look like an accident." 4. Walk away.

   Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

   I am the undefeated champion of this"smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don't-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day" game

   Helpful hint: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.

   That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever.

   Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking

   Let's be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

   I don't want to say I'm out of shape, but I can't even jog my memory without breaking a sweat.

   I'd save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.

   Every time I hear someone say Right About Now, I end it with Funk Soul Brother.

   When I see names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.

   People are really judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.

   I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.

   My favorite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

   Want to end road rage? Put manual windows in every car. By the time you're done rolling down your window to yell, you're too tired to be mad

   I just lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about that

   The Price Is Right losing horn should play every time you think you've found a parking space but it's actually filled by a small car or motorcycle

   Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside