Heather25 Funny Status Messages

   Alarm clocks. Because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

   A husband asks: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met? Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don't know makes a touchdown.

   I've given up jogging for GOOD! I realized it was hazardous to my health after my thighs rubbed together so much my underwear caught on fire!

   Why worry about the world ending today, Its tommorow in Japan.

   If I offend you in any way, please let me know so I can do it again.

   If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.

   Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.

   Yes officer, I did hit the pedestrian, but instead of dwelling on that why not focus on how many I've missed??

   Was always told to practice the Golden Rule-treat others like I wanted to be treated...so I spanked you and pulled your hair.

   bored of poking, can we have a spank button??

   not really rude, she just says what everybody else is thinking.

   anything more annoying then a stupid person who clearly doesn't know they are stupid!?

   For those of you who like to STIR THE POT..be sure you get a good grip on the handle!!

   Sometimes while I drink my coffee I stare out the window and ask myself "How many people am I going to cuss out today"

   Here's the best advice of the day: If you call a psychic and they don't greet you by name, HANG UP!!!

   I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. ;)

   I'm tired of people seeing me and telling me they called me and I didn't pick up. "Yes, I remember ignoring that".

   wonders if there is a manly way to eat a banana??

   You know the economy is getting bad when the ice cream truck has a sign on it that says we now accept foodstamps, Visa and Mastercard.

   What pisses you off more? The fact that I don't need you in my life...or that you can't have me in yours??