Gabe Funny Status Messages

   About to pull these steaks off the grill. It's my neighbor's grill, but he went inside and I don't think he can see me...

   No need for me to storm Area 51... I've been to Walmart...

   Becoming skinny this summer is cancelled due to the virus. Pass the cupcakes...

   Some of you all went from homemade, natural, all organic cleaning products to Clorox real fast...

   I feel like I'm watching a tv show called "Lockdown Got Talent" because this lockdown has people thinking they're gym instructors, chefs, dancers, etc...

   Sometimes I put my car in neutral at stoplights and roll back a little so people will think I drive a manual...

   For the first time since 1945, the Scripps National Spelling Bee has been cancul... cancill... cansi... called off.

   After visiting the gov't healthcare site, I don't know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...

   So. I don't see you for months and now you pop up and expect me to take care of you?? OK, fine. I'll start up the mower....stupid grass...

   I discovered that growing up in the '60's was more fun than being in my 60's...

   Me: "Hey Siri, why do I always mess things up with women?" Her: "My name is ALEXA..."

   Everyone talking about Pelosi ripping up Trump's speech, but we've all done questionable things when we were that drunk...

   Amazon just broke up with New York... on Valentine's Day...

   Some angry woman with road rage just yelled out her car window "I'm gonna make your life a living hell!" I yelled back "Thanks, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now..."

   I am giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, that came out wrong... I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

   I do crunches twice a day now. Captain in the morning and Nestle in the afternoon...

   In World Cup news, the England team visited an orphanage in Brazil today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6...

   Cops just left. They said if I want to walk around my house naked, I have to do it inside...

   Don't come to me for advice. We'll just end up at the liquor store...

   I want so bad to post a Kim and Kanye joke, but it would be off color and in the wrong direction...