Dude Funny Status Messages

   What I call morning wood, you're gonna call breakfast in bed.

   Mayweather landed more punches on his wife than he did on Manny.

   Never get attached to your coworkers. You might have to throw them at a deranged gunman someday

   Her: Who's your favorite Kardashian? Me: Uummm...Gul Dukat.

   A man hits his wife with a car, whose fault is it? The mans, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

   Do what's right to do, not what you're told to do.

   Q: What's more disgusting than a hicky on a hemorrhoid? A: The chick that put it there.

   With all the social injustice and government misconduct all over the world at a fever pitch, lets go ahead and focus on deflated footballs and soccer corruption instead.

   Ladies, if you're gonna catfish a dude, at least give him some head.

   If being gay was so wrong, then why didn't it make it onto God's top 10 list?

   It's the Holiday Season; clean your own spunk off her back.

   Mexico is like America's basement; yea, it's a little dirtier, but it's a lot more fun.

   I've decided to become a Veterinarian and a taxidermist so no matter what, you'll get your dog back.

   Arkansas is like a pretty bimbo who's a lousy lay. Nice to look at but not very stimulating.

   Childhood I'd idolizing Batman. Adulthood is realizing The Joker made more sense.

   The only time your woman screams your nam ein bed is when you fart in your sleep.

   How you get almond milk? Almonds ain't got no nipples!

   What you call "camping", I call "aggresive waiting".

   I love you, flushable baby wipes.

   I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately broke into pieces and crashed on the floor.