Badd status Funny Status Messages

   I think a great name for an energy drink would be "F5." The tagline could be, "Hit the F5 to refresh!" Bask in the warmth of my genius.

   A little boy examines his privates while in the bath. "Mommy, are these my brains?" His mother says, "Not yet."

   I think the part of the whole sexting craze that gives me the greatest sense of outrage is the part where I'm not involved in it at all.

   Someday we'll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.

   I am REALLY good at what I do. You know, procrastinating and stuff.

   I'd love to have sat in the marketing analysis meetings that gave us our early cartoons. "You know what America would love? A batsh*t crazy woodpecker, that's what! And a pig, a stuttering f*cking pig!"

   I think the kid's gotten too big and fat for the show to be able to call itself "Two and a Half Men" anymore.

   Grumpy old man: "You need to pick up after your dog." Me: "It's pee! If you want to grab a straw and suck it up, be my guest."

   I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I'll say next.

   It's cute how the news wants me to stick around until 11 for the forecast. As if I didn't have 100 other ways to get that info in seconds.

   Everytime I hear strangers talking to each other in foreign languages I always automatically assume they're talking sh*t.

   I'm so happy Facebook wasn't around when I was in high school.

   Has anyone else noticed that mirrors look really sexy?

   I'm watching this show on stalkers, still haven't seen any of you yet.

   Sometimes really old people scare the sh*t out of me.

   I'm 31 years old and never married. How come it seems like every married person I know wishes their marriage license has an expiration date?

   Why ask me if I'm up when you text me at 3 in the morning and I answer it?

   Remember this next time you're about to say something stupid to me: Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.