Stevielea Funny Status Messages

   My grandpa was so competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last, he said, "Staring contest......GO".

   Next time you visit someone with Alexa. "Alexa set 3am alarm with horror movie sounds."

   An average person farts 13 times a day......... finally!! I'm above average at something.

   What do I remember about the midget that attacked me. Very little.

   If I've learned anything in my 23 years on earth, it's that it's okay to lie about your age.

   "Just because she weighed as much as 2 people, that doesn't mean you had a threesome."

   I didn't go to the gym today,....but the cashier's name at Macdonald's was Jim...sooo same thing.

   Now if you will excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.

   I'm afraid if I start working out, I'll be too sexy.

   FOUR STAGES OF A MANS LIFE : 1. You believe in santa. 2. You don't believe in santa. 3. You are santa. 4. You look like santa.

   ATTENTION!!! Heavy rain is on the forecast this week, please use permanent markers for your eyebrows.

   Keep the earth clean! It isn't Uranus!

   My friend hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. He gets his snickers in a twix.

   Having a child is like having a little broke ass best friend!

   "you da bomb" - " No you da bomb" In America - a compliment. In the middle East - an argument.

   He wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too!

   Saw a middle-eastern friend shaking a carpet on 6th floor balcony. I called out "what's wrong ahmed, won't it start."

   Trick your friends into thinking you are a professional tennis player By wiping your face with a towel every 30 seconds And throwing it at a child.

   Gas prices are so expensive...it would be cheaper to buy cocaine and run everywhere!

   If I'm ever on life support, unplug me..... then plug me back in. See if that works.