Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.

   At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.

   I've watched so much Shark Tank that now I decline by saying "And for that reason, I'm out."

   This funding crisis in Oklahoma education has got to be addressed! Some of the rural schools have taken to teaching driver’s education and sex education out of the same vehicle.

   Haven’t been in a relationship in a while. I forget, am I supposed to start the argument or finish it?

   I’ll always be the one who got away.

   My 10 year old: Lands 14 platsic water bottle flips in a row, can't hit laundry basket with dirty socks.

   You know you've reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.

   C'mon man, nobody's doing it! - Hipster Peer Pressure

   Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.

   A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.

   I just applied for a job with the local police. While I wait for their reply, should I start going after criminals or is it too soon?

   People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.

   Having a bit of a lazy day! I'm sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online. My boss doesn't look amused.

   Rise and shine? At the same time? It can only be one or the other.

   Doctor: It’s a girl Me: *starts sobbing* Doc: Are you OK? Me: Yes I'm just thinking about all the free alcohol she's going to get

   Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.

   "We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.

   I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

   I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.