Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump


Search Messages:
Page: 2 of 5837

   messageicon I have nothing in common with people who have "left over" pain killers
←Rate | 10-08-2018 12:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If the best things in life are free, why am I still charged when I go to the liquor store?
←Rate | 10-11-2018 14:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal Me: Family?
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm so old that the only room I can go into and remember why is the bathroom.
←Rate | 10-23-2018 19:42 by Haha Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen" So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.
←Rate | 10-26-2018 15:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.
←Rate | 08-31-2018 09:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember me in your Prayers like you do in your Gossips.
←Rate | 09-12-2018 06:28 by raman911 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM
←Rate | 10-19-2017 23:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
←Rate | 06-27-2018 13:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder if Yoda from Star Wars last name was “Layeehoo”.
←Rate | 09-17-2018 17:35 by Cicci Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd just like to congratulate the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table! They're basically everywhere now!
←Rate | 11-06-2018 04:46 by Truman Comments (0)  


   messageicon What am I getting you for Christmas? A sense of humour. I am getting you a sense of humour.
←Rate | 12-19-2018 00:30 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Was nice to see the Rams and Patriots make it to the Maroon 5 concert last night..
←Rate | 02-04-2019 07:02 by Jawadkeswani00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
←Rate | 06-04-2018 08:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
←Rate | 09-28-2017 21:26 Comments (1)  


   messageicon To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you're happy now!!!
←Rate | 07-30-2018 19:28 by Truman Comments (3)  


   messageicon I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
←Rate | 04-20-2018 02:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation..
←Rate | 10-09-2018 17:17 by Mr.Sharp Comments (3)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left