Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I fear that one day, I’ll see one of my jokes marked as “Exhibit A.”

   How to escape the matrix: Step one, turn off your television.

   Hangovers are temporary. Drunk stories are forever.

   Her: You’re so childish, I’m leaving you. Him: Good luck with that, the floor is lava.

   If we had just let them eat Tide Pods, none of this dumb stuff would be happening right now.

   Dear autocorrect: It’s never “duck.”

   Him: you are my drug. Her: aww… you can’t live without me? Him: No, you’re expensive and you ruin my life.

   Guy 1: How do you like my secret fishing spot? Guy 2: It’s really cool, not even the fish know about it.

   If you can’t hide a crime scene, just pretend you’re a victim.

   How would you describe college? I’m teaching myself a class that I’m paying for.

   I should be ashamed of my behavior, but to be clear, I am not.

   How to prepare tofu. Step one: throw it in the trash. Step two: grill some meat.

   Her: Wtf? You barely lasted two minutes! Him: It was “Doggy Style.” So that’s like 14 minutes.

   16 Psyche is one of the most massive asteroids in the asteroid belt. It’s made of materials like gold, platinum and nickel. It’s value is estimated to be around 700 quintillion USD.

   Life’s greatest tragedy is that we grow old too soon, and wise too late.

   I’m in BIG trouble if people find out I don’t really have Tourette’s.

   If your voice held no power, they wouldn’t try to silence you.

   Deleting history has become more important than making it.

   T-Rex shares gender reveal party with friends, Yucatan Peninsula 66 million years ago.

   Some of you have never heard the story of the “Little Engine that Could,” and it shows.