Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!

   All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

   It’s safe to unplug your Christmas lights until next year.

   Tommy Lee Jones ~ always has a look on his face, like his son just told him that he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

   My fitness trainer asked what kind of squats I’m accustomed to doing. I said, Diddly.

   In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant and filled with darkness.

   It doesn’t feel like I’m getting older. It’s more like my warranty has expired.

   A dog and a cat are fighting about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “We are, because they named the canine tooth after us.” The cat smiles and says, “You are really not going to win this one.”

   Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.

   I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00

   Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.

   I just saved over 25 thousand dollars on a car battery because my car runs on gas.

   The only way I can catch errors in my messages, is to read them from my sent folder. 😏

   I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

   Whole Foods announced that a Prius left it’s lights on in the parking lot, and now I have the whole store to myself.

   If you had a scratch and sniff map of the world, what would your current location smell like?

   Old computer games couldn’t be won, they just got harder and faster until you died. Just like in real life.

   You don’t like being treated the way that you treat others? That must really suck.

   Gonna start a page called Older Fans, where it’s just me telling everyone what hurts today and what miniscule task I was doing that caused the pain. Today it’s: My back ~ The rain.

   If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas!