Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

   We often clean our homes when people are coming over so we can maintain the façade of a clean house that we’ve seen from going to other people’s homes who clean their house to maintain the façade of having a clean house.

   If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.

   Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!

   One way to be hospitable, is to help visitors know when it’s time to leave.

   You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.

   My favorite queso is the one you keep around for emergencies, just in queso.

   In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant and filled with darkness.

   Tommy Lee Jones ~ always has a look on his face, like his son just told him that he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

   The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have now started asking humans to prove they are not a robot.

   My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.

   My fitness trainer asked what kind of squats I’m accustomed to doing. I said, Diddly.

   Humans: Dear God, please let 2023 be a good one…. God: You guys are still alive?

   Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.

   Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.

   May life treat you the way you treat waiters and animals.

   I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

   You can put whatever you want on a “to do” list, there are no rules. I put wake up and drink coffee on mine. Already knocked two things off my list and it’s not even lunch time yet. God, I’m good.