Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 12:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've watched so much Shark Tank that now I decline by saying "And for that reason, I'm out."
←Rate | 05-11-2018 22:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This funding crisis in Oklahoma education has got to be addressed! Some of the rural schools have taken to teaching driver’s education and sex education out of the same vehicle.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Haven’t been in a relationship in a while. I forget, am I supposed to start the argument or finish it?
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’ll always be the one who got away.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 15:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My 10 year old: Lands 14 platsic water bottle flips in a row, can't hit laundry basket with dirty socks.
←Rate | 05-16-2018 18:29 by Jsabbage Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know you've reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon C'mon man, nobody's doing it! - Hipster Peer Pressure
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just applied for a job with the local police. While I wait for their reply, should I start going after criminals or is it too soon?
←Rate | 05-26-2018 04:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Having a bit of a lazy day! I'm sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online. My boss doesn't look amused.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Rise and shine? At the same time? It can only be one or the other.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 01:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Doctor: It’s a girl Me: *starts sobbing* Doc: Are you OK? Me: Yes I'm just thinking about all the free alcohol she's going to get
←Rate | 05-26-2018 01:40 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.
←Rate | 05-04-2018 09:01 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
←Rate | 04-20-2018 02:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.
←Rate | 04-29-2018 05:37 Comments (1)  


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