Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 2 of 6339

Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!
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01-13-2023 02:20
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All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
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01-07-2023 12:58
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It’s safe to unplug your Christmas lights until next year.
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01-08-2023 00:40
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Tommy Lee Jones ~ always has a look on his face, like his son just told him that he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
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01-19-2023 02:22
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My fitness trainer asked what kind of squats I’m accustomed to doing. I said, Diddly.
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01-08-2023 01:07
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In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant and filled with darkness.
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01-19-2023 02:05
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It doesn’t feel like I’m getting older. It’s more like my warranty has expired.
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01-08-2023 00:54
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A dog and a cat are fighting about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “We are, because they named the canine tooth after us.” The cat smiles and says, “You are really not going to win this one.”
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01-09-2023 04:08
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Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.
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01-09-2023 03:32
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I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00
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01-08-2023 01:35
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Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.
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01-09-2023 03:40
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I just saved over 25 thousand dollars on a car battery because my car runs on gas.
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01-19-2023 02:26
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The only way I can catch errors in my messages, is to read them from my sent folder. 😏
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01-24-2023 00:19
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I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?
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01-19-2023 04:05
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Whole Foods announced that a Prius left it’s lights on in the parking lot, and now I have the whole store to myself.
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01-09-2023 03:55
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If you had a scratch and sniff map of the world, what would your current location smell like?
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01-06-2023 01:31
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Old computer games couldn’t be won, they just got harder and faster until you died. Just like in real life.
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01-06-2023 18:40
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You don’t like being treated the way that you treat others? That must really suck.
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01-19-2023 04:06
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Gonna start a page called Older Fans, where it’s just me telling everyone what hurts today and what miniscule task I was doing that caused the pain. Today it’s: My back ~ The rain.
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01-04-2023 02:35
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If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas!
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01-06-2023 00:54
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