Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

   I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry..

   "I'm great at spelling bees. But hopless at spelling other words."

   To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you're happy now!!!

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it my illegal logging operation is a success.

   Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"

   The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.

   Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.

   Dating Tip: if she says she likes cats, push her plate off the table.

   Yes I like to party. And by party I mean take naps.

   You would think I am a fugitive on the run the way I react when there is a knock on my door.

   "Of course you can do a roundhouse kick!" - alcohol

   My son screamed like a little girl when he saw a spider so no paternity test was needed.

   Why isn't anyone at this beach lowering their sunglasses to check me out?

   Thinking of making a horror movie titled Front Facing Camera

   Being ugly on the inside should change how you look on the outside.

   My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...

   The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.

   Having friends sounds like a fun idea until they start trying to make plans with you.

   Maybe it's the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.