Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have nothing in common with people who have "left over" pain killers

   If the best things in life are free, why am I still charged when I go to the liquor store?

   KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal Me: Family?

   When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.

   I'm so old that the only room I can go into and remember why is the bathroom.

   I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen" So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.

   Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

   Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.

   Remember me in your Prayers like you do in your Gossips.

   Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM

   Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

   I wonder if Yoda from Star Wars last name was “Layeehoo”.

   I'd just like to congratulate the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table! They're basically everywhere now!

   What am I getting you for Christmas? A sense of humour. I am getting you a sense of humour.

   Was nice to see the Rams and Patriots make it to the Maroon 5 concert last night..

   When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.

   To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you're happy now!!!

   I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation..