Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cats are starting pyramid schemes and dogs are falling for them.

   You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.

   I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00

   This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.

   My school taught square dancing in the 4th grade, because you never know when a hoedown will break out.

   Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.

   When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker and you wake up bald.

   I was born a male and I identify as a male, but according to Stouffers portions, I'm a family of four.

   Jurassic World is about a pharma company that uses a DNA-altering pathogen to destroy farmland and deliberately cause a worldwide food crisis to force everyone to buy their products. Science Fiction is Fun!

   Australian Kiss ~ Kind of like a French kiss, but down under.

   There are some incredibly dumb people in this world. Thank you for helping me understand that.

   If it snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny.

   Twinkle, twinkle little scar; how I wonder, what put ye thar.

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   Drivers ignoring winter conditions, may be subject to natural selection.

   If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

   Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.

   When you want to help people, you tell the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear.

   All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

   My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂