Aaron Funny Status Messages

   "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

   1990: call me on the new line in my room 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me

   Nothing's says I'm guilty of every crime imaginable quite like using your blinker to pull into your driveway...

   Some humans believe that escalators have special powers that suck all moving abilities from their legs as soon as their feet touch one.

   "Everything the light touches is ours," I tell my son while opening the fridge.

   If hearing “I love you” was enough, we’d all buy parrots and live happily ever after.

   I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.

   [dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time

   Commercials: Now brought to you with limited football interruption.

   Don't get it. Heard the phrase "keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir". Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

   Sorry, guys. Totally forgot to write any New Years jokes. I really dropped the ball.

   "Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realized I'd been invited to an autopsy.

   "Update the force, Luke" Adobe Wan Kenobi

   Christmas. It's been a long 2 1/2 months.

   Sometimes you just have to let the anger guide you.

   Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

   While at self check out... "Do I get an employee discount, now?"

   If you take a trip around the world and calculate the different time zones just right, you can pick yourself up from the airport

   He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

   Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare