manbearpig Funny Status Messages

   ~ A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

   pleased that Mr T has spoken out about the whole BP shemozzle. He said, "I pity the fuel".

   ‎~ A teacher at a school for overweight kids was fired for snorting cocaine. His massive pupils gave him away.

   was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger...and then it hit me

   just two away from a threesome

   ...it's not you, it's me. I don't like you

   thinks if you have a chip on your shoulder, you're missing your mouth.

   fed up with all the emails I keep getting on how to enlarge my penis, particularly since I'm a woman...so I've forwarded them to my ex.

   feeling politely confrontational this evening. Would anyone care for a piece of me?

   not remotely sober. Nor am I sober up close.

   has often thought that what doesn't kill us makes us drink stronger liquor

   always wanted to be somebody. Now she realises that she should have been more specific.

   a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.

   cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

   thinks there should be a Facebook button that says "I liked your status until every man and his dog decided to comment on it".

   Don't look at me in that tone of voice!

   as confused as a hungry infant in a topless bar.

   If your phone doesn't ring, you'll know it's me.

   if someone sends me one more Farmville invite, I will banish your animals to a galaxy far, far away and set fire to your crops.

   How come when you open a can of evaporated milk, it's still there?