daheavy1 Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon I'm really sorry that I haven't been around for the past few days. I've been out collecting money to buy a basketball team. So far, I've got $47.62 in checks, $2.50 in change, an IOU for $5, a Canadian penny and a button. I'm getting really excited
←Rate | 04-30-2014 21:18 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Coaster? You're assuming I plan to put my drink down...
←Rate | 04-30-2014 13:30 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I read today that when you have sex, you burn as many calories as running five miles. Who the hell runs five miles in two minutes??!!
←Rate | 04-18-2014 18:35 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
←Rate | 04-18-2014 18:34 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When Chelsea Clinton has her baby, do you think Bill is going to celebrate with a cigar?
←Rate | 04-18-2014 18:32 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
←Rate | 03-29-2014 09:08 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Possessio...is 9/10 of the spelling
←Rate | 02-19-2014 10:32 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
←Rate | 02-15-2014 12:23 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
←Rate | 02-15-2014 12:22 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone. And if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
←Rate | 02-15-2014 12:22 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cougar sightings in my neighborhood over the past couple days... I'm going to lay out a trap in my yard with Journey's 'Greatest Hits' and a nice cabernet.
←Rate | 12-23-2013 13:17 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
←Rate | 10-16-2013 21:48 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You don't need a parachute to skydive. You do need a parachute to skydive twice.
←Rate | 10-11-2013 07:20 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder if the spouses of umpires get thrown out of the house for arguing.
←Rate | 09-07-2013 12:04 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 12 years of school and I'm still not sure if it's “grey” or “gray”
←Rate | 08-03-2013 01:16 by Daheavy1 Comments (4)  


   messageicon I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I'm not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
←Rate | 07-23-2013 12:37 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
←Rate | 07-16-2013 19:29 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
←Rate | 07-16-2013 19:28 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Never trust a man who takes selfies
←Rate | 07-07-2013 19:04 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn't even apply for a job there
←Rate | 05-31-2013 18:23 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  




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