Gripenfelter Funny Status Messages

   I still can't believe some people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.

   While walking outside a random lady walks up to me. Her: No mask? Me: No underwear either.

   Random friend: Wow...how do you have so many friends on Facebook? Me: I'm a fricking train wreck and people like to watch.

   Elf on a Shelf? WTF? Back in my day, if a doll came to life, it murdered your whole family and everyone you loved. Kids are too coddled these days.

   Thanksgiving is coming...time to set the weigh scale ahead 8 lbs.

   I wonder if Prius owners put playing cards between the spokes of their wheels so they will sound like real cars.

   My prediction for October 2020: The Bermuda triangle starts roaming around the Earth like a giant Roomba.

   I swear to God if I had one of those Race Car Beds, it would be on jack stands too.

   There's a new idea being presented that pedophilia is some sort of sexual orientation. If that's the case, let me be the first to volunteer to beat you straight. #SaveOurChildren

   Remember the participation trophies kids? They grew up and are burning our cities, tearing statues, offended over everything.

   Did you hear the joke about the cure for COVID19? It's a riot.

   I can't believe it's riot season already. I still have my COVID19 decorations up.

   Pro Tip: If you wear a face mask your coworkers can't smell the alcohol on your breath.

   Since the medica frowns on using the term "Chinese virus" or "Kung Flu", please use the following instead: Wuhan Weezer, Boomer Doomer, or the Holocough.

   Since soap kills COVID 19, have you guys tried just eating Tide Pods again?

   The reporter on CNN said that at the end of the day, the thing that will keep you safe is common sense. Some of you are in serious trouble.

   If you drive by my house and see my kids picking weeds and crying, keep driving. They're on a field trip. #Quarantined

   Learned two lessons today. 1) Kitchen sex can be wild and exciting. 2) The staff at The Olive Garden are very narrow minded.

   The person who said "One person can't change the world" obviously never ate an under-cooked bat.

   This is the longest something made in China has lasted.