@UncleBSolomon Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon If anxiety was good for weight loss, I'd be back to my birth weight.
←Rate | 03-29-2017 20:56 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.
←Rate | 03-29-2017 01:55 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've been putting Root Beer in a square glass all evening. I'm still not drunk.
←Rate | 03-23-2017 07:58 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar. I whisper, "I got that when I fell off the toilet," .
←Rate | 03-22-2017 12:12 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (1)  

   messageicon Spent 20 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
←Rate | 03-21-2017 11:42 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just pressed the Popcorn setting for defrosting on my microwave and it said "wrong button".
←Rate | 03-14-2017 10:27 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
←Rate | 03-13-2017 19:26 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm boycotting beauty & the beast because of a teenage girl falling in love with a buffalo 💡
←Rate | 03-07-2017 08:12 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I told my wife I wanted a 72" TV, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a 72" TV.
←Rate | 02-26-2017 12:00 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Original Transgender: Titanic Captain: We're short on boats, women & children first. Guy1*coughs*: I identify as a woman. Guy2:I'm a woman too
←Rate | 02-24-2017 00:01 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon (Search History] 1. Do raccoons like to cuddle? 2. What does rabies smell like? 3. I can't feel my face.
←Rate | 02-22-2017 11:17 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
←Rate | 02-21-2017 21:09 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why I hate House Hunters. Amy is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Abe manages a Taco Bell. Abe: Our budget is $4 million
←Rate | 02-18-2017 11:24 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.🐿️
←Rate | 02-14-2017 15:37 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: Make your own snack. Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication. Her: It's an oven not a forklift.
←Rate | 02-13-2017 16:44 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon driving to the ER* I told you my possum doesn't like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
←Rate | 02-12-2017 20:09 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Boss: Are you high? Me: No, I dont do drugs, it must be the dayquil . Boss: Dayquil doesn't do that . Me: Must be the moonshine then.
←Rate | 02-10-2017 22:49 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some people say they have a hamster on a wheel in their head. I have 4 squirrels fighting over an acorn.
←Rate | 02-08-2017 20:02 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.🎩
←Rate | 02-04-2017 21:05 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder? Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..
←Rate | 02-02-2017 20:05 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

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