manbearpig Funny Status Messages

   ‎~ A teacher at a school for overweight kids was fired for snorting cocaine. His massive pupils gave him away.

   pleased that Mr T has spoken out about the whole BP shemozzle. He said, "I pity the fuel".

   ~ A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

   walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k and 1mb. That was a trip down memory lane.

   went into a library dressed as a German classical composer and asked for a book on Austrian actors. The librarian said, "Aisle B, Bach".

   ~ A man went to see a psychiatrist, wearing only Gladwrap shorts. The shrink said, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".

   blocked you from my news feed. I don't care how many mobsters you've iced, that you found a pink sheep on your farm, or that you've redecorated your virtual apartment.

   just stole this status from someone who stole it from someone else.

   People keep telling me the right man will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck.

   Did I already post my Alzheimer's joke?

   My doctor asked me if I drank to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.

   thinks it would be hysterical if Brad and Angelina's daughter, Shiloh Pitt, turned out to be dyslexic.

   is thinking of auditioning for The X-Factor next year. Do I go with the dead relative story, or should I just rock up in a wheelchair?

   For Halloween, I'm going to wear a Pacman suit and chase all the Muslim women in burqas around the town centre.

   Has anyone Sheen my drugs?

   My uncle was diagnosed with terminal cancer last month, but all my Facebook friends changed their status' for an hour and now he's going to live a long and fruitful life.

   "Someone's been eating my porridge!", said Father bear. Mother bear sighed and poured him another bowl. Life was tough and draining for her, now that her husband was suffering from Alzheimer's.

   A man walks into a library and says, "I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology".

   What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile.

   It's been exactly a year since I quit drinking. And 364 days since I started again.