MATT Funny Status Messages

   I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe

   Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?

   On the internet, you have a better chance of surviving The Oregon Trail than a trip to WebMD!

   If tomatoes are considered fruits, isn’t ketchup a smoothie?

   Calories? I think you mean delicious points!

   I don't hear any cicadas. I believe everyone is eating them all...

   Amazon, quit fluctuating your prices all the time. sincerely- your customer!

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff some guys pay money for in later life.

   How the hell did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?

   My Pride flag is up all year around, it's red, white, and blue. Merica' 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

   When men don't shave for a while it's rugged and masculine. When women don't shave for a while it's rugged and masculine

   If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don't open it. It's spam.

   I'm never eating a edible again. I watched an entire movie on mute and started crying because I thought I was deaf.

   Some of you can count the number of times you lit off fireworks on one hand and after this week some of you will only be able to count the number of times you lit off fireworks on one hand.