Gabe Funny Status Messages

   The circumference of a pumpkin divided by it's diameter = pumpkin pi...

   Sometimes I put my car in neutral at stoplights and roll back a little so people will think I drive a manual...

   Amazon just broke up with New York... on Valentine's Day...

   My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm. I gave her the glue stick by mistake. She's still not talking to me...

   My trust issues first started when my mom said "Come here, I'm not gonna hit you"...

   I discovered that growing up in the '60's was more fun than being in my 60's...

   Of course I'm am an organ donor. Who wouldn't want a piece of this!?

   Which one of you guys posted that ass ugly selfie that broke facebook??

   No need for me to storm Area 51... I've been to Walmart...

   If you see me talking to myself just ignore it. I'm self employed and we're having a staff meeting...

   My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food in front of you. So I took her to Subway... and that's when the fight started...

   Luckily "Smoking in the Boys Room" was released in 1973. If it was released today, it'd be called "Vaping in the Gender Neutral Area"

   You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...

   I went to a gender reveal party yesterday and was immediately told to put my clothes back on...

   Adulting is putting back a pack of chicken for $8.58 because you see one for $8.17...

   Ran out of coffee this morning. Vodka seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is soo pretty this today...

   I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night... Not Happy.

   I am giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, that came out wrong... I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

   If you know anyone home alone for Christmas let me know! I need to borrow their chairs...

   I got jumper cables for Christmas because I like to start crap...