Daheavy1 Funny Status Messages

   What did one saggy titty say to the other saggy titty? We better get some support soon or people will start thinking we're nuts!

   It's weird...I keep hitting the home button on my phone, but I'm still at work..

   December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.

   Attention!!! Christmas has been canceled this year!!! I told Santa that I had been good. He died laughing...

   My heart just skipped a beat when I glanced at my wife across the room. Mostly because she was holding my phone

   One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

   I can't believe they let people own guns. Public toilets are all the proof we need that humans have horrible aim.

   Some people just need a hug... Around the neck. With my hands.

   Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned

   I swear if my boss paid ever me in Trident Layers, I'd probably have to kick his ass.

   It's the saddest thing when someone you know becomes someone you knew.

   I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time

   I put my phone on "Airplane Mode" and threw it in the air! ...Worst transformer ever.

   I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

   What happens when you autotune Stephen Hawking?

   I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.

   Does anyone really believe this thing with the Mayan calendar? If you do it's OK but if you don't, it's not the end of the world.

   I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.

   So I won a contest. The prize was a year supply of calenders.

   People go to the bar hoping for two things...to get hammered or to get nailed.