totalpackage Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon I just started an online dating site for Siamese twins....It's called "Connect 4!"
←Rate | 05-13-2011 23:05 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon After reading about Alicia Silverstone, I have some new things to be thankful for...Dear Mom, thank you for not naming me "Bear Blu" and especially for not feeding me pre-chewed, discarded food straight from your mouth!
←Rate | 03-29-2012 16:18 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was a bit embarrassed about dropping a gallon jug of Heinz ketchup all over aisle 7 at Sam's Club....but I managed to salvage my pride by creating an extemely convincing crime scene!
←Rate | 09-12-2012 01:45 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just had my most disturbing nighmare ever....I was gagged, tied and forced to watch "The View!"
←Rate | 04-02-2011 15:12 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon trying to figure out how many Sham-Wows I'm gonna need to soak up all the water in my truck after leaving the window down for 2 days...
←Rate | 06-26-2011 13:07 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon ending the night with green beer in a sippy cup!
←Rate | 03-18-2011 01:17 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon Only 12 more days till I get some tube socks, a slew of checkered polo shirts I'll never wear, and a box set of Aqua Velva I'll eventually use as paint thinner....Yay! :/
←Rate | 12-13-2011 01:45 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon heard Charlie Sheen's pissed now that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the front runner for "Schmuck Of The Year" award!
←Rate | 05-17-2011 14:05 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can't really tell the difference between "water polo" or "marco polo", but I know neither one is very thrilling to watch on television. :/
←Rate | 07-31-2012 13:05 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon Looks like Hugh Hefner's fiance finally got her cataracts removed and called off the wedding realizing she'd have to wake up everyday next to a dude that looks worse than the dead guy on "A Weekend at Bernie's"
←Rate | 06-14-2011 16:00 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon Did you ever notice some people with the lowest moral compass and zero integrity suddenly become 'karma experts' when things don't go their way?
←Rate | 11-26-2014 20:47 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon may not be a millionaire yet but I figure what I have in my pocket combined with 3 vehicles full of gas puts me pretty damned close...
←Rate | 05-12-2011 23:18 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon In celebration of "Fat Tuesday", I only plan to party on days that start with "T" from now on......Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday! ツ
←Rate | 02-21-2012 14:22 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon I never understood why they call them "Smart Cars"...Anyone willing to drive a padded shopping cart on the freeway in a Fisher Price toy doesn't meet my criteria of "smart".
←Rate | 09-28-2013 11:39 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon <----plans on spending a quiet evening indoors with the only woman who never let's me down!.....Stella Artois! ツ
←Rate | 10-26-2011 18:25 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon Way to go Ferguson...Burning down the same grocery stores where you use your foodstamps to shop. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. Real justice losers!. Real justice
←Rate | 11-25-2014 01:07 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon heard on CNN that the blackout in India has affected nearly 700 million people...Good luck getting through to Comcast customer service today! ツ
←Rate | 07-31-2012 13:01 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon told Christian Mingle what I wanted in a girl...but they sent her over to wash out my mouth with soap instead.
←Rate | 09-29-2013 02:07 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon I told the NCAA I was a Penn State fan and they "vacated" my last 15 birthdays which restores me to my early 20's...Anyone up for a game of beer pong tonight? ツ
←Rate | 07-26-2012 15:55 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon It really sucked having to waddle across the room to get a fresh roll of toilet paper with my pants around my ankles......and I don't think the shoppers at Target were very happy about it either!
←Rate | 12-23-2011 00:58 by totalpackage Comments (0)  



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