Michael Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Just got three "BREAKING NEWS" notifications on my phone that two celebrities got married. This is why the rest of the world hates America.
←Rate | 08-28-2014 10:17 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid.
←Rate | 10-12-2010 10:57 by Michael Comments (2)  


   messageicon Had a cold this morning so I took an Aleve-D and washed it down with an AMP energy drink. Judging by the way I feel, I am fairly certain my body converted to two into meth!
←Rate | 12-28-2010 09:13 by Michael Comments (2)  


   messageicon After watching the iRenew infomercial about 800 times, I finally bought it because it helps promote “Balance.” Well guess what? It didn't help with last night's sobriety test!
←Rate | 11-12-2010 09:41 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon Last night my son wanted me to take him to see scary monsters at a haunted house, but I needed beer. We compromised and I took him to Walmart
←Rate | 10-23-2014 07:51 by Michael Comments (1)  


   messageicon all I know is that before I watched Miley Cyrus' performance at the VMA's, it didn't burn when I peed.
←Rate | 08-26-2013 10:13 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon Officals confrim, Jersey Shore boardwalk fire started from an unfortunate chlamydia flare up in Snookie's vagina
←Rate | 09-13-2013 11:20 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon Guy in the bathroom: In the Army they taught us to wash our hands after taking a leak. Me: In the Marine Corp they taught us not to piss on our hands.
←Rate | 10-21-2010 12:42 by Michael Comments (3)  


   messageicon currently accepting applications for a new girlfriend. The competition is pretty fierce! I've already received on that stated under military experience, “I go commando several times a month.”
←Rate | 11-08-2010 09:47 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon it considered cheating if you have to kiss your boss' ass?
←Rate | 08-09-2010 10:49 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Oh.... I can't wait tto see all the clever and funny Bitstrip cartoons my Facebook friends posted today!!!!" ~ Said no one, EVER!
←Rate | 10-24-2013 10:59 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon Are you sick and tired of having sex? Ask your doctor if 'marriage' is right for you!
←Rate | 11-11-2014 11:00 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not certain, exactly, when I became "old". But, I've narrowed it down to sometime between 1988 and last night, when I noticed Song Pop classify "Guns 'n Roses" as "Classic Rock"
←Rate | 08-22-2012 00:47 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why are condoms like cameras? They both capture the moment.
←Rate | 10-25-2010 13:21 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon Destroying my chances at getting elected to public office on Facebook post at a time.
←Rate | 10-24-2012 01:33 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon Happy Thursday to all my married friends.
←Rate | 02-14-2013 08:21 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.
←Rate | 11-11-2014 11:01 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon This shutdown seems to be bringing out the inner-retard in everyone.
←Rate | 10-01-2013 10:07 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just watched Miley Cyrus' VMA performance on YouTube... I'm on my way now to the health department to get tested for herpes.
←Rate | 08-26-2013 09:55 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon My favoritte sex position is, "don't tell anyone we did this".
←Rate | 11-11-2014 10:59 by Michael Comments (0)  



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